Browsing an old playlist on the tubes, trying to stay awake to see the eclipse, and I've been gut punched right in the feels fam
Looks like an innocent video right? Well
I remember when I added this. It was new years eve 2011 (so the night leading into 2012)
I was all alone in my apartment, all my friends had gone back home to celebrate the holidays with their families (blowing me off because I had planned for us all to get together and party, I'd have gone home too but I really hated my family and had nothing left to return too)
And I was watching... Japanese time lapse videos. Mostly of fireworks. And drinking. There was also some Japanese YouTube contest for best indie animation which I also watched the videos from, they were pretty emotional, those Japs really know how to art
I got all worked up and I also started shedding tears, though I wasn't baw'ing, because I knew my eyes weren't gonna last me more than a couple months more tops and I was going to have to drop out and say good bye to what had become what to me, was a real home, filled with people I cared about more than any real family I've ever had, who would always make me smile and would put up with my all crap. And I'd even found love, though I couldn't say yes.
At the time I'd been considering suicide for a long while, because I didn't want to come to terms with living as a blind guy, but I'd never seriously thought about it all, and my situation, until this lonesome night with sparkly sky glowies on the telly screen, that I could barely even make out
Whole night was basically me thinking about how I wanted to go, what I would tell people, when would be the best time, if there was something I really wanted to do in the time I had left
I had the habit of going out and wandering the town most nights, because I loved the late night atmosphere, feeling like there's nobody else in the whole world, just me, the sky, and the random drunks and the occasional car or boat going by the harbor
But not this night, I just stayed indoors, staring at the screen
I called my dad to wish him a happy new year, I'd never done it under normal circumstances
But at that time, I just wanted to hear a familiar voice. Though I hung up quickly because I could barely hold myself back from weeping
It was a very dark day in my life
Feels just like being on /r9k/ right?! HAHAHAHAHA
Part of me is and always will be trapped in that moment, hoping this entire aftermath is just a bad dream