Went to a music festival yesterday with my brother. I spent half of the time trying not to cry. I almost lost it when i heard one of my favorite acts do a solo acoustic set. I've listened to his solo album about a million times and most of the lyrics spoke about feelings i've been through. That coupled with the fact i can't really play my guitar anymore just made me feel really sad.I tried to hold back. i didn't want to seem to pathetic in front of my brother. he had a meet and greet after but i was too embarrassed to go, i'm pretty sure he saw me making weird faces and crying a bit.
after that we walked around checking out other bands playing. felt a little empty and tired at that point. but my favorite band didn't come on until like 5 hours from then. we kept walking and looking at the schedule to check out the other bands on the roster that i recognized.
there had a booth were you could try some ipad modeling software for guitar. i noticed a left handed guitar, so i picked it up to try it. holy shit, i've never felt so useless trying to play it.
it was awkward to even hold.
walked some more and found my favorite band's merch booth and bought a nice backpack with a subtle logo on it.
they finally came on and the crowd went nuts everyone's jumping and singing along. at first i forced myself to participate as well. i figured, i traveled almost 100 miles and stuck around almost 8 hours i might aswell. by the second song i wasn't really forcing myself anymore. i mostly just sung along and jumped once in a while. then some people started a mosh pit despite the big sign saying not to.
i wouldn't of minded, but i had a gimped finger that's still healing. I felt a bit better after that.
So anyways, my pinky has mostly grown skin over the wound. the flesh feels kinda loose not as solid like regular fingers. but that might take up to a year to be healed 100%. it's mostly numb and sensitive at the same time. it's been getting better everyday.it only really hurts when i try to grasp too hard with it, and at rare random times.
People have been telling me that I'm strong. before, i didn't really knew what that meant. i saw people go through hell and i never understood how they got through it. now im thinking, its just what it took to make it through another day. as long as you don't just lay down and die, i think that's enough to be "strong". i've always been kinda afraid of success, but now i've also developed a fear of giving up. basicly im scared of everything at this point.
ps its hard to type without the use of my finger.
